Asking for More

Me, circa 1999 (pictured above)

Dramatic life shifts can come bearing the gifts of endings and beginnings...a continued adventure of becoming more

—

There has been so much to process and feel lately, so much so that I feel a bit lost within it all. Interestingly I’m actually OK with limbo (occasionally), because I know that it has something to reveal and it’s not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing.

I try not to judge it or myself (though I’m not always successful at that).

I remind myself that ‘lost’ is some place too.

But this period has felt a lot more intense — and a bit endless. I’ve certainly had a lot thrown at me at once. I guess there are those seasons in our lives.

I witness what is happening in nature as the physical world around me dramatically transforms. I contemplate the planetary alignment, the full moons, Mercury Retrograde (and btw there are currently 5 planets in Retrograde — wowzer) and I consider its impact. I contemplate the noise of the political arena everywhere, the elections, world unrest and uprising. Oh, and let’s toss in turning back the clocks to jolt our system a little bit more. Ha.

I get curious about what it all means to me and my little family and all of us. I ask where we all fit into this and what we can do with it. Sometimes we aren’t meant to make sense of everything in the heat of the moment and just keep going.

We are resilient beings, aren’t we? Always ebbing, flowing, shifting, bouncing back.

And did I mention that it is also birthday season around here for both me and my daughter True? If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you’ll know that I’ve gotten so much better about this (the acknowledging and even celebrating aspect). I used to try to avoid my birthday and skip right by it, but I’ve learned to embrace celebration. Though it’s still a work in progress...I’ve also learned to receive love on my birthday and beyond.

That’s huge. 

So, it makes sense that this is always a highly charged time of year for me, but especially this time around the sun. My mind has been swimming upstream in muddy waters trying to breathe, to see clearly, to reach the shore where I can grab onto something solid and be still, safe and grounded.

The death of my ex-husband brought about a swell of endings and beginnings that don’t seem to be stopping. It has felt like a season of curveballs that have left my nervous system peeking around the corner as if to say, “What next?”

Chapters closed, life reviewed. Leaves have fallen from the trees leaving bare limbs — the harbinger of winters impending arrival. As sad as it is to see them take their final bow, I must say it was an epic fall display of foliage here in the Catskills. Such a blessing.

It has been a season of change and contemplation — a season I generally love with its chilly temperatures, slower pace, more cuddly time with my cats, All Saint’s Day, All Soul’s Day and celebrating that I not only entered the planet, but I also became a mother during this time of year.

I’m always paying attention to it all. I’m also always trying to make peace with and accept what is unfolding. But I’m wondering about that strategy right now.

Recently as I was happily baking away early one morning at the café, I heard a voice in my head.

Just before I received the call alerting me of Randy’s passing, I heard the message — “You have to live your life. You have to live your life.”

I immediately stopped mixing the batter of the cake I was making and stood there a little stunned. Wait, aren’t I living my life? I’m happy doing what I do. I’m grateful. What do you mean?

Were these Randy’s words? Did I make it up? Was it my soul reminding me how blessed this life is? I wrestled with this, trying to make sense of it. Yes, my faith tells me to live my life so I can get to heaven, to live in accordance with God, but was I missing something? These words confused me. It was as if the veil of this thin line of life and death that any of us may cross at any moment had been lifted to reveal...more.

A little later that day, it dawned upon me...it’s OK to want more, more joy, more life, more connection — more time. I’ve spent so much time making peace with what ‘is’, that I’ve forgotten long hidden dreams and desires. I lost a little bit of me...maybe a lot of me.

Life has a way of throwing things at us to wake us up, like Post It Notes from the Universe. I turned to Leigh at the café one day and declared that I had a chat with God. I’ve been such a rule follower living with acceptance that God’s will shall be done. My time on this planet is my time.

But I’ve changed my mind...

I’m not ready. I haven’t done enough. I want MORE time. So, God...if you are planning that my time is sooner than later...please change the date. I’m not ready. I’m hungry for MORE. As chapters of my life end and other doors close, there is capacity and space created for MORE. More aliveness. More expansion. More connection. More love. More success. More health. More life. More me.

And speaking of ‘more’ — I’ve got some BIG news... 

True, holding her baby's first sonogram

I’M GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER!

Did you read that? Talk about the quintessential representation of MORE! Yes, my baby is having a baby. I haven’t quite processed it all, wasn’t quite prepared for this, but babies come when babies are meant to come and I’m here for it.

My heart is overflowing and feeling all the feels. I’m saddened that Randy died before knowing True was pregnant (maybe he knows now), but we have a beautiful chapter unfolding right now. This blessing is surely divinely timed and will expand my heart in ways I never knew possible.

It will provide me with opportunities to show up in more ways for this beautiful, complicated, messy and glorious journey through the human experience. The world keeps turning and yes, life is always presenting something new. This one feels like the ultimate gift.

Yep, we’re having a café baby Spring 2027!

And I couldn’t possibly ask for more.