Loving Me

Seasons of change are upon us in our inner and outer worlds but they come accompanied by the invitation for deeper connection to self

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It’s here again...

Well, I might as well come right out and say it...birthday season is in the house (well, at least my house). My daughter True and I are separated by just over a week, which you might think would feel quite festive.

It does when it comes to celebrating my ‘baby’ who turns 20!!!! (how did that happen?) However, when it comes to me...well, suffice it to say, I cancelled my own party last year. So, there’s that. Ha.

I know that sounds quite dramatic, but to me it actually felt suffocatingly dramatic to pretend to fake my way through MY day. It’s not that I don’t love birthdays, I just don’t like the fanfare and the public displays. Simply put, I like other people’s birthdays and I don’t like being at the center of that attention.

I’ve come to realize that’s OK. Wisdom and discernment come with age and I’m grateful to be able to hear the stirrings of my own spirit — and to advocate for it and celebrate the way that feels most nurturing to me. It took me a long time to get here!

Each year I’m more curious about life in all its quirkiness, hardship and breathtaking goodness and joy. I’m curious about understanding why I feel and react in certain ways. I’m curious about the experiences of my life that lead to here — and how, thread together, they tell a story...

My story...in all of its messiness and beauty.

Recently on a brisk early morning walk with my bestie, she shared an exercise she was guiding her coaching clients through. It was sparked by a woman who was repeatedly telling the same story (not a happy one) about her life and her current circumstances, including the role she assumed as a child in her family of origin. It all culminated in her feeling stuck somewhere she didn’t want to be.

Interestingly we all do this to some extent. And whether the details of the story we tell ourselves are true, they were true to that younger version of yourself. I was mesmerized by hearing about this because it resonated so deeply and immediately made me contemplate my own stories.

It made me think about my childhood. It made me more curious about how and why I had formulated certain beliefs and how those beliefs led me to the ensuing relationships.

Life is fascinating.

And what better time than your birthday, which is technically your new year, to dig a little deeper — not with a judgmental or unkind mind, but with just the opposite — awe. Look how far you’ve come girl! 

My childhood was anything but conventional and there weren’t many photos of me to document said upbringing. But on that morning walk, I immediately thought of a rare picture I had of little me laying in bed all comfy cozy. In fact, I started scrolling through my phone as we walked to see if I could find it.

Little me

Now anyone who knows me, knows how much I love naps, resting, luxurious bedding and of course to be covered in cats (well, at least the two I have).

I don’t even know how old I am in this picture, just a toddler I suspect. Interestingly, I came across this image one night a few years ago after being prompted by another friend who encouraged a group to connect to “Little Me.”

And when I did...

What did I see? Someone shy, someone that wants love. Maybe she was scared? She seems alone and in her own world. Who took the picture? But I also notice her arms were open enough...maybe waiting to be hugged, hoping to be hugged, needing to be held and made safe? Seen. Witnessed. Heard.

Maybe all of it.

She looks a little sleepy, a little dreamy, a little uncertain.

Did she have birthday parties, friends, favorite toys? What did she dream about when she put those silky, soft curls down on her pillow at night?

I don’t remember, but I love her so much.

She is me. 

I wish I could cuddle up in bed next to her, hold her in my arms, tell her how perfect she was. I would tickle her and invite her to play with my cats. We’d giggle and I’d tell her, “Don’t worry, the story is long and full of adventure and so much love. You will learn so many things. You will travel and taste life. You will meet beautiful souls. You will love and be loved in return. Don’t be afraid little one. We will heal together. Remind me of my dreams...thank you for carrying them. There is so much more to explore and become. And while we are at it...let’s have some cake!”

So dear friends, I share this with you, particularly those like me who shy away from big fanfare — to embrace what it means to honor yourself differently.

Is it coincidence that I had this conversation, that I remembered this picture, that it stirred my curiosity on the eve of another birthday?

I think not.

Best yet, it has delighted me and dare I admit...gotten me a little excited to celebrate. Oh, and did I mention that True and I are headed to Italy this week? You’ll have to stay tuned for more of that adventure (surely to be reported back in next month’s blog).

But for now, I’m off on another journey around the sun and across the globe...Italian vegan delights here I come. Buon Appetito!

 —Lea Haas, Owner, The Garden Cafe Woodstock